Ask Professor Paisley

Harry Potter And The Veil Of Silent Abuse

2009-05-01T15:53:00.001-05:00

Dear Mr. Paisley,

I’m a 13-year-old girl with my own set of problems. I had a horrible childhood, but I love to read. I read a series of novels that I grew very fond of, but in the last book the protagonist died. I cried. Can you tell me why I'm so attached?

Teen Reader

Dear Reader,

It’s a book YOU DITZY BITCH. *Ahem*

Now I have no idea why you’re so attached but here’s my stab at it: It's possible that you spent so much time in the "world" the author created that the protagonist became like a good friend. Considering your understanding of reality, I can also conclude that you don’t have any real friends and you’re using this world as an escape from your drunken abusive father for when he touches you. You became so emotionally invested that you felt a sense of loss when the character was gone and now that the series is over, you have to return to your dismal life.

Looking forward to when you write me back in a few years bemoaning your job at Big Earl’s Erotic Club and the failed relationships you’ll have. Always happy to help.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley

What Was Your Name Again?

2009-02-25T13:10:00.001-06:00

Salutations,

I have a problem remembering people's names, even though I have been attending church with some of them for nearly 10 years. It's embarrassing when someone greets me and I can't recall his or her name. Have you any suggestions for me?

Bewildered In Yorkshire

Dear Bewildered:

Your problem is very common. Some people have solved it by using word association when they meet people. Example: “That Bill guy was a pompous asshole.” This way, Bill will be easily remembered as long as you vary your insults. For instance, don’t call Susan an asshole; vary it up with “cunt muscle” or the like. A group picture from the church newsletter with a corresponding caption underneath their picture can also be a powerful memory-jogger if you look at it before you leave for church.

If all else fails just stick to the old show-business stand-by, “OY! Dickhead!”

Warmest Regards
Professor Paisley

A Cerebral Adjustment

2009-02-19T12:00:00.001-06:00

Dear Professor:

My ex-boyfriend has cerebral palsy. I have loved him for more than a year, regardless of his condition. He broke up with me because he didn't think he could love someone if he didn't love himself.

We are still good friends and care for each other. He often asks me what he can do to feel better. What can I do to help him feel better about himself?

Helping A Friend In California

Dear Helping:

Blow him.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley

Guest Room Snafu

2009-01-28T21:22:00.003-06:00

Professor,

I’m a 20 year old woman in college and recently my boyfriend of 8 months invited me to his family home for a holiday visit. I was unsure where I should have slept because this was the first visit and meeting his parents was quite the experience. They offered the quest room and my boyfriend told his parents no. I ended up sleeping with him in his room after he assured me it was fine. The rest of the weekend his mother cast dirty looks at me and made comments about how their older son’s girlfriend wasn’t a tramp when she came to visit.

What do I do about his parents?

Not-A-Tramp in Arizona.

Dear Tramp,

When a parent offers a guest room they mean just that. You’re a guest, not the hooker their son brought home for sex in exchange for coke. As such, rules according to the Not-A-Tramp handbook suggest that you should have taken the other room and spared them the mental image of some tart humping their son where he formerly wet the bed.

Also, being the day and age that it is, your first order of business is to get rid of the tramp stamp on your lower back that screams “Yes, I am fucking your son and his friends when they come over to play Madden at my dorm room”.

Second, ignore his mother; you have his father on your side because he wants to hump you just as much as his son instead of the prude he’s with. You have no better advocate to argue that this is normal for a couple of college kids.

Warmest Regards,

Professor Paisley

Holiday With The Mates

2009-01-27T11:50:00.004-06:00

Here in England we get extended Holiday because we have a Queen and you have a simple President, proving once again English superiority. However, as my publisher has pointed out, I no longer work for an English company and demanded I get back to work. I’ve chosen to acquiesce to his request and resume my duty’s.

New questions from those that can’t figure out their own lives are returning to you soon.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley

Boss's Political Pontificating Wears Out Those Around Him

2008-11-24T21:09:00.003-06:00

Dear Professor,

I work for a small, family-owned business. The owner has strong political views and insists on listening to a political talk show during the afternoon, with the volume turned up quite loud. He assumes that his views are everyone else's and talks to customers as if his opinion is gospel. I have worked here for three years, and I can't take it anymore because I think it’s inappropriate. I have looked for another job, but this is a small town and jobs are scarce.

Fed Up In New York

Dear Fed Up,

Perhaps its time you introduced your political views and came to work strapped with 10 pounds of C4 and a milk jug of ball bearings, screaming of holy war and virgins. Alternatively, you could man up, go to his office and punch his radio.

Even if you’re fired, how hard could it be to find another Seven-Eleven to work at?

Warmest Regards,

Professor Paisley

A Dancers Investment Pays Dividends In A Young Girls Future

2008-11-18T12:16:00.002-06:00

Dear Professor Paisley,

Have you heard of middle child syndrome? You know, when you are the middle child and your parents seem to spoil and love your older and younger siblings but not you? I'm a 16-year-old girl who has this problem. I have an older brother and younger sister. My parents love and spoil them but not me. Please don't tell me it's my age or because I'm a girl, because this has been going on ever since I can remember.

MIDDLE CHILD IN HACKENSACK

Dear Middle,

Of course I’ve heard of Middle Child Syndrome, you tart. In case you haven’t heard, I’m a PROFESSOR and infinitely smarter than you.

Now, your problem is quite common and you should take solace in the fact that you are not alone. Currently there are millions of unwanted middle children in the world and you’re just one more face lost in the sea of inevitable porn that makes its way to cabinets of older gentlemen with a predilection towards younger women.

My advice to you is two-fold: One, learn to be a better child. Two, take that daddy issue and develop it into a career that pays cash. That way, you will find recognition and validation from both your family and from sources outside it.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley.

American Shoe Etiquette

2008-11-13T11:39:00.002-06:00

Dear Prof,

I have been wondering about the custom of shoe removal when someone is a guest at the home of the person who practices this custom before entering the house.

When the entryway has several pairs of shoes in plain view, it's obvious the residents remove their footwear before entering the living space.

How can a guest handle a situation like this in your standard American home? Is it appropriate to ask if they would like you to remove your shoes? This can be of particular concern to a woman in dressy attire wearing heels or other footwear to complete her outfit. If she removes her shoes, it can ruin the image she's trying to present. Walking barefoot or in stockings could be considering tacky. What’s the deal with this?

FOOTLOOSE IN FLORIDA

Footloose,

I can see why you would be writing me and asking this question. It’s clear from the careless beginning of your letter, by addressing me as “Prof”, that you lack even basic social skills and proper etiquette.

As for the homeowner, the onus is on them to inform a guest their wishes concerning footwear in the home. If they fail at this and then later complain or make a scene about it, my suggestion is to walk on your hands. If this meets with too many puzzled looks or questions that make you uncomfortable, the next best thing to do is run outside, find the nearest house with a domesticated animal and smear the feces on your socks. Upon returning to the home, shuffle your feet across the floor like a cat wiping its ass on the carpet.

Naturally with your socks now of a questionable color and odor, remove them and deposit them in the nearest umbrella rack, as is proper.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley

School Yard Problems Cuts Everybody's Feelings.

2008-11-10T12:38:00.003-06:00

Dear Professor,

My daughter came home from school the other day with bruises on her body. When I asked what happened, she told me a boy did it to her at recess. I went to talk to her teacher about this but nothing was done. Yesterday she came home with another, what should I do?

Worried Mom in Thomasville

Dear Worried,

Your daughter has the right to an education free from harassment but she must do her part by not being such an easy target. While it’s clear that she’s a sissy, you can help by camping outside the playground in your mommy missile like any good parent would; taking matters into your own hands and judo chopping any child that dares to touch your baby.

If that’s not an option, I’d suggest getting her a switchblade.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley

Child Bullies Hurt Everyone, Especially Themselves

2008-11-06T12:25:00.008-06:00

Dear Professor Paisley,

I’m having problems in school with a bully named Jimmy. My Dad said to just ignore him but my Grandma told me to write you and ask what I should do. Please help.

William, age 13
Palo Middle School

Dear Jimmy,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me. Your Grandmum sounds like a smart lady and your Father sounds like a real dildo.

My advice to you is the next time you’re having a problem with this bully, you exercise your options: You can drop kick that bastard right in the balls. But it that doesn’t work, smash a glass bottle in his face and yell “STITCH THAT JIMMY!”

I’m confident that the bullying will stop.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Paisley

P.S. Stay in school!